i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
