I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
