So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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