if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
