Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
