the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize