everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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