Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
