the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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