my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
