What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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