Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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