My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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