it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
