My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
