how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
