I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
