never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
