the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
