1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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