Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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