Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
MIDGETS
????
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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