you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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