just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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