I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
