pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so let's talk penis.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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