Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize