Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
