Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
