saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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