girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
