I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
