Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
