I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
