Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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