I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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