Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
