Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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