I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
