I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
