At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
