I think I won the penis lottery.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
