but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
