I think my fart just growled at me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
