I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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