I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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