I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize