The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
