So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
