So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
