someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
