I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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