she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize