i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
