Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
