im drinking this country out of the recession.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
