Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
