You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize