i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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