The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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