I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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