Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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