Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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