Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
