I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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