Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
